Paul Gauguin, Public domain {{PD-US}} via Wikimedia Commons. Section of Self Portrait 1885 — Kimbell Art Museum
Searching, grasping, questioning. Art — the ultimate form of self-discovery
Formless, it was not even a person at first. It had the beginnings of a face, although not yet his face, the one looking back in the mirror with the pock-marked skin and unkempt hair. There were only muted areas of light and dark, the tonal underpainting, and even at this early point, the artist considered throwing the piece away, for it expressed everything that he had expected to find and nothing more. He began to overlay color, enjoying for a moment the consistency of the paint as the brush dipped into the palette and then spread life upon the canvas. A shape began to form, and it was not long before he could recognize himself in the rough features of the early painting.
Daniel Farmer was in his early forties, although looked older. He was sitting in his studio surrounded by a mixture of half-finished canvases and unsold paintings. On the wall, there was a row of certificates in dusty frames. His fading potential could be seen in the workmanlike portrait that stood in front of him.
There had to be more than this! That was the cry that had motivated him into this exercise; a hope that there was something that could be found within him that went beyond mere technique. He was seeking inspiration, an understanding, a sublime insight into the ‘who, what, when, how, and why’ of his existence. For the moment, none of that was forthcoming.
Daniel studied himself in the mirror, not a quick glance, but a penetrating stare. At first, he was dismayed that all he saw was the blank features he had so faithfully recorded, but as time passed his quest for meaning faded, lost in the infinite reflections between the eyes and the mirror. He was for a moment without thought, without doubt, and no longer filled with a self-hatred fueled by bitter regrets. His mind was uncluttered, allowing him to notice how a small change, the minute rising of the side of a lip, the widening of the eyes, or the raising of an eyebrow, revealed, just for a moment, another self. Eureka! No more did he have to accept this bland visage staring back at him from the canvas.
He was now in control, experimenting with different facial expressions, playful, sad, serious, and exaggerating the emotion by changing the level and direction of the light. The painting was full of possibilities, but still without a grasp of identity. As he worked he was not finding answers, but instead creating further questions, each supporting a conflicting juxtaposition of answers and meanings.
In confusion, and with the whole process threatening to implode, Daniel chose to focus instead on the act of painting — the placement of each brushstroke, the thickness of the paint, how to communicate through color and tone. Emotion flowed out of him as he immersed himself in the whole cathartic process; muscle memory and experience freeing his subconscious to create the shapes and fantastical patterns that he added to the canvas. He did not know what they signified, but they felt right, having a boldness that emphasized a part of his nature thought lost since youth. All that remained was to finish painting the smallest details, the last remaining highlights that bring everything to life — then it was done.
He looked then at the painting, still questioning, still searching, but for the moment content and relaxed, and when he looked into the mirror he no longer saw his old reflection staring back at him, but the Daniel Farmer of his self-portrait, and he smiled.
The End